The Other Side Of The Gun

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Sometimes I think you still love me. And sometimes I think I’m the reason you took those pills

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My Hero

My biggest hero was always my teenage babysitter. I wanted to be like her and do the things that she could do, and because of the 4 year age difference I thought we were close enough in age to be friends. I always tried to hang out with her and be accepted by her. she was nice enough to let me so I liked her a lot.

Now I am 15 and she is 19. She just got married and is pregnant. I am facing the realization that d the person I always aimed to be is not at all who I want to be.

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My Perfect World (ending)

I found myself wondering again. Not a thought except for the usual ‘Anywhere but home.’ This time I crossed the highway…

I walked through the woods; my ankles twisting on rocks - unnoticeable. Before I knew it I was kicking off my shoes in front of the lake.

I was never aware when I was doing these things but I felt more in control than when I was aware of what I was doing. My mind went back to the dream where I was breathing underwater, air fresher than that on land. I had never had a better dream.

I was far into the lake when I opened my eyes, ready, I dived deep. Subconsciously I was moving towards a broken piece of metal my father and I found that summer. The chunk was heavy enough to hold my weight. I held on with my left hand - tight- so I wouldn’t float back up.

There was no sweet air; my body discovered that before my mind did. Thirty seconds into my act my heart began to slam against my chest - slow and furious. My legs were kicking in frustration; struggling against the rest of me.

The water was stretching and distorting time so I could not judge ‘near’ or ‘far’. A false hour later my right hand joined the battle, scratching at my stubborn arm. Part of me still wanted to live this flawed life.

My vision was spotted with colors - pink, blue, yellow, green and black. The black grew into a shadow above me; I reached out not knowing if it was real or not. My heart hit me harder when the cloud expanded - my all too human side knew it wasn’t going to save me.

I remembered my two year old brother’s face when I pretended to be a vampire melting in the light. His fear was so real, despite my playful laugh, it actually made me sad. I remember reassuring him, and in a way he reassuring me. The memory was enough to make me finally let go of the old metal; I couldn’t do that to him.

I began to float back up, but it was too late. This familiar darkness surrounded me until there was no speck of the once scary light. No light. No space. No heat. No weight. I had reached it …

PERFECTION

- Laurie Donnelly

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